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Saturday, October 4th
Christine in Taipei 
"For my future book..." I spent the last couple of days at my grandmother's place hanging out with the relatives and getting nothing done. At times, I feel a little frustrated, as I don't know when I can leave Taiwan until I can finish up with the legal matters. Other times, I think to myself, well why the rush back? No real reason, as I'm getting used to being here (again). Family is important, right, and some of my friends here are trying to get me to stay for a trip they are planning to Kenting later on this month. You know... I think I finally figured out what it is about my emotional ups and downs as I go from one place to another. Unlike Jim and Rich, for example, who can fly here and there without batting an eye (at least I don't think they do...), I haven't had a place of my own since I quit my job last October (wow, it's been almost exactly a year...) and gave up my apartment in Taipei at that time. I haven't had any income since, and thus have been too afraid to lock myself into a rental contract until I have a better grasp of things. So, I've been crashing with a lot of different people since then and have woken up in ELEVEN different beds this past year, not including this last trip through Hong Kong and China. Meanwhile, my belongings are scattered throughout Taiwan and the U.S., and I just keep losing my things along the way, which doesn't help the situation. On the one hand, one could say that I am VERY lucky to have so many friends to stay with. On the other hand, one could also say that I am very unstable on an emotional level, dreading each move and the feelings of disorientation that come with, and feeling especially bad that I have to trouble so many people while not knowing what may come tomorrow. I absolutely HATE it, actually, and yet it's "... all in the name of ORIENTED..." while I maintain my daily perma-grin countenance. Is it worth it? A rhetorical question...
Though I know I'll adjust -- always do, right -- the problem is that I then become VERY attached to the people and lifestyle around me, and yet it is a vulnerable position to be in as it is still only a temporary set-up until my financial situation stabilizes... which is heavily dependent on the financial health of ORIENTED... which in recent days is FRIGHTENINGLY dependent on this next round of fund- This task is not at all easy and is the reason why I am in Taiwan indefinitely... but I digress... What I was saying is that I HAVE to adjust as fast as I can else I cannot focus on the here and now and am forever dwelling on the things I left behind. On the flipside, if I try to hold on to what once was, it's just too hard on me emotionally and can affect others who might be involved, as well. Life in the U.S. was like a long, long time ago, know what I mean. I even forget that I actually own a CAR until Cindy reminds me of yet another car bill I have to pay... ugh... Oh well... I don't know if this makes sense to anyone but myself (and hopefully all of that will change depending on how this second round of funding goes, talking about pressure...), but the POINT I am trying to make here is that I am really getting used to being in Taipei again, and doing what I do every day. Not sure if I want to rock the boat just yet, as I would like to prolong this sense of stability, however false or momentary it may actually be... How terribly tragic... But then again... |
